Alec Baldwin Asks ‘Why Couldn’t It Have Been Me?’ After Fatal Rust Shooting: ‘I’m Happier When I’m Asleep’

Alec Baldwin is shedding light on how he is coping with the aftermath of the Rust shooting.

The actor, 66, reflected on the accidental shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins in 2021 during the Feb. 23 premiere of the new TLC reality show The Baldwins.

In the episode, Alec and his wife Hilaria Baldwin opened up about the impact that the incident, along with the legal drama that followed, had on his mental health.

“This has been just surreal,” Alec told his wife in the debut episode. “I mean, I can’t even believe that we’re going through this, and I always feel more in pain about you than me, because I think to myself, well, you know, I’m going to try to my best to just get through it, and I think what it’s done to you and how much it’s hurt you and everything.”

In his confessional, he added: “This past year was just terrible. There were times I’d lay in bed. I’d go, ‘Wow, my kids. I can’t get up.’ That’s not like me. I’m not like that at all, not in any way am I like that. Never.”

The fitness instructor agreed, telling cameras Alec’s shift in mood became apparent after he was charged with involuntary manslaughter (a judge later dismissed the case during his trial in July).

“Everyone who is close to Alec has seen his mental health decline,” explained Hilaria, who also said her husband’s OCD has worsened since. “He was diagnosed with PTSD, and he says in his darkest moments, ‘If an accident had to have happened this day, why am I still here? Why couldn’t it have been me?’”

“You wake up in the morning and you’re like, ‘Oh god, why did I wake up?’” she went on to tell Alec, who recalled not knowing how to answer a friend who asked how he was doing.

“I said, ‘I’m happier when I’m asleep than when I’m awake,’” he revealed.

The accident occurred on Oct. 27, 2021, when a prop gun Alec was holding went off on the set of the Western film and killed Hutchins. He has maintained that he did not fire the gun and had no knowledge of it being loaded with real ammunition rather than dummy rounds.

Hilaria credited the seven children she and Alec share — daughters Ilaria Catalina Irena, 2, María Lucía Victoria, 3, Carmen Gabriela, 11, and sons Eduardo “Edu” Pao Lucas, 4. Romeo Alejandro David, 6,  Leonardo Ángel Charles, 7, and Rafael Thomas, 9 — for keeping them going.

“I look at the kids, and I see how hard we’re trying to create happy for them, even if we’re masking stuff for ourselves,” she said. “I know that what we’re going through is maybe unique, but every family goes through hard times, and that’s something that we can feel a community of support, knowing that the best that we can do is do our best and try to make our kids happy, and so that’s what we’re doing.”

Alec echoed that sentiment: “Honestly, from the bottom of my soul, I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have you and these kids going through this. I never would have made it with this. Sometimes I’d say, ‘Why did I have seven kids? Why do we have seven kids?’ And I realize, to help carry me and you through this situation.”

Still, the children have not escaped the stress entirely. Hilaria said that the older kids “have awareness” of the situation and the younger ones “don’t know life without this.”

“They’ve had some really unfortunate realizations about things that are going on,” she continued. “Life will forever be different. Halyna lost her life in the most unthinkable tragedy, a son lost his mom. We are going to feel and carry this pain forever. This will be a part of our family story.”

The Baldwins premieres Sunday, Feb. 23 at 10 p.m. ET on TLC, with new episodes airing weekly. Episodes are available to stream on Max.